Yep, that's how I'm feeling (at 2am in the morning)! I wanted to share another quote from Oswald Chambers from my daily reading: "Why are we so terrified for God to speak to us? It is because we know that when God speaks we must either do what he asks or tell him we will not obey." OOUCH!
My Bible reading landed me in 1 Corinthians chapter 2:3 where Paul writes: "I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling." That's exactly how I feel and it is comforting to know that Paul didn't feel any differently.
While I was in Africa I kept fighting the idea of coming there because it is so outside my comfort zone. I was expecting to feel like it was a great fit, that I would love everything about it and know by just being there that it's God's plan for us. But I wasn't full of joy in my spirit about everything I saw. The reality of what goes on there, the sacrifices involved in the missionary's life, the hard road of living where you are always different, always asked for things etc, made me very fearful of obeying. I realized how much faith I lacked! Yesterday, the Lord reminded me of the story of Jesus beckoning Peter to get out of the boat and walk on the water to Him. Peter walked to Him but when he saw the wind he was afraid and began to sink. That's my problem, I was taking my eyes off of Jesus and was looking at all the circumstances coming my way. Life is way to hard when our eyes are off of Jesus. "Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him saying to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying "truly you are the Son of God." (Matthew 14:28-33)
I need to keep remembering that my life is not my own, I can do all things through Him, with man this is impossible but with God all things are possible. I am not alone; this is His work, His call and He will do it in me and through me by His power, not my own.
Fill me with more faith, more courage, more joy as I seek to offer my life as a living sacrifice of worship because You are worthy and for no other reason. Amen.