Saturday, February 14, 2009

Between THE ROCK and a Hard Place (Africa)

Yep, that's how I'm feeling (at 2am in the morning)! I wanted to share another quote from Oswald Chambers from my daily reading: "Why are we so terrified for God to speak to us? It is because we know that when God speaks we must either do what he asks or tell him we will not obey." OOUCH!
My Bible reading landed me in 1 Corinthians chapter 2:3 where Paul writes: "I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling." That's exactly how I feel and it is comforting to know that Paul didn't feel any differently.
While I was in Africa I kept fighting the idea of coming there because it is so outside my comfort zone. I was expecting to feel like it was a great fit, that I would love everything about it and know by just being there that it's God's plan for us. But I wasn't full of joy in my spirit about everything I saw. The reality of what goes on there, the sacrifices involved in the missionary's life, the hard road of living where you are always different, always asked for things etc, made me very fearful of obeying. I realized how much faith I lacked! Yesterday, the Lord reminded me of the story of Jesus beckoning Peter to get out of the boat and walk on the water to Him. Peter walked to Him but when he saw the wind he was afraid and began to sink. That's my problem, I was taking my eyes off of Jesus and was looking at all the circumstances coming my way. Life is way to hard when our eyes are off of Jesus. "Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him saying to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying "truly you are the Son of God." (Matthew 14:28-33)
I need to keep remembering that my life is not my own, I can do all things through Him, with man this is impossible but with God all things are possible. I am not alone; this is His work, His call and He will do it in me and through me by His power, not my own.
Fill me with more faith, more courage, more joy as I seek to offer my life as a living sacrifice of worship because You are worthy and for no other reason. Amen.


Jenne said...

Amen, indeed.

Robyn said...

Hi Kristi,
Joy Forney told me about your trip to Zambia and I have been following your adventures. Just wanted to comment on your post. We are heading to Zambia in June and I have felt alot like you are right now. God gave me some encouragement in Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous for the Lord your God is with you. He also spoke to me and reminded me that He wants our availability NOT our capability - that is His job, only He can make us capable! Be encouraged!

kelly said...

We're praying for you guys!!!
PS. We're a go. If Zambia will have us, here our hearts will be. Gotta stretch my legs and jump through some hoops.

Joy @ SAH Missionary said...

Good words Kristi. I had to smile about your honesty, thinking the mission field would be this wonderful place and that it would fit like a glove, and then..... reality. :) I know so totally how you feel. It is a hard place to be....always feeling out of your comfort zone, always seeing poverty right around you, always being different, always being stared at, always, always, always.
I will tell you, however, the benefits (for me anyway) far outweigh the sacrifices. I wouldn't trade a day in the hard stuff, and really, you do get somewhat used to things through time. And that's the thing you need to rememeber, even as you process everything...give yourself some time. God will make it clear, one way or the other...maybe Zambia isn't for you and maybe it is.....He knows.

Angie Tolpin said...

I love you Kristi and am still praying even now as you seek his will for your life and the path he wants your family on. I see God speaking loudly to you through your quiet times... at least from what you shared. Thank you for sharing o openly. I love you!

Ann Dunagan said...

Hello Kristi, and welcome home. I'm so sorry to hear that you got sick . . . but glad to hear that you're on the recovery.

Your honesty is awesome, and by asking for God's direction and wisdom, He's not going to punish you. There is a perfect "fit" for your family, and God will help you to find it. Maybe there is another answer that's a bit different. Or maybe this is it. He will give you a peace.

One thought I had as I read your posts and the mission quote about hearing and obeying God's voice. Sometimes, we try to figure out all the "HOW, LORD???" questions, before we've even made the decision. I talked to a woman in Tulsa who has recently made a very huge family/ministry decision. She said that as she and her husband were trying to decide and pray about what to do, they kept trying to figure out all the HOW's before they had even accepted the calling. The Lord told them to put away the questions, and seek Him for the answer YES or NO. Once they knew God's answer was YES, they could genuinely seek God's wisdom for all the HOW's. And God's grace was there for each question and decision.

I'm praying for you and your precious children and family.

Love you!